Well...long story short, my mom died Wednesday night.

Not much I'm willing to divulge detail wise but I'll just say it wasn't "natural causes".
(If anyone seriously wants to know feel free to PM me, I don't want to say what happened on here)

I may not have liked her that much. In fact I can't say I was super fond of her after the shit she pulled that ended up causing her and my dad to get divorced. But she was still my mom. I mean anything in the world could happen but that'd still be pretty true. I mean I literally wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her (haha).

It was about a decade when her and my dad got divorced and I hadn't seen her since. I talked to her on random occassions on the phone but that was it.

Now at some point later (since she was living in Kentucky at the time) the next time I'm going to be anywhere near her again is when we have a memorial service for her. She is going to be cremated and her urn is going to be buried.

And I'm not sure how to handle all of this. Even though I didn't see eye to eye with her I still lost a pretty important member of my family which you really can't replace. I haven't been able to really let it sink in that shes really gone. I keep expecting her to randomly call my sister or see her pop up on Facebook chatting with her and really wanting to see a car my sister is in the process of working on get finished. It's a Rocky Horror Picture Show themed "rat rod". My sister and I both love that movie because she turned us onto it and we've watched it an ungodly amount of times ever since we were kids. In light of these events, my sister lost all drive to finish it. Now she wants to finish it as a bit of a tribute to her so she can say she has it done because of how badly my mom wanted to see it get done.

As for me, she wanted me to add her on Facebook and talk to me so much. And I kept blowing her off because I was still mad at her. And now I'm never going to get the opportunity to tell her I was sorry for that. And that I still loved her. I can still hear her voice from when I got to talk to her on the phone. Calling me "Mikey" (because my middle name is Michael) and her telling me that she loved me. And part of me doesn't want to accept that she's really gone. But I know eventually it's going to hit me a lot harder than it has been all week and I don't know what I'm going to do. Everyone has been going out of their way to contact my dad and sister and comfort them but no one has even tried coming to me to see how I'm doing. I mean I'm honestly doing my best to not full on start crying sometimes. I did right before typing all of this. My half-brother made a video collage of pics of her to a song she really liked and about halfway into it I needed to put my phone down because I felt like I was about to start crying, then after I felt a bit better I started it up again and I just started crying my eyes out.

Anyways.

I'm still going to be on here.
I'm still going to be carrying on as I have before and always will. And have been trying to since then
And I know eventually I'm going to be "fine" I guess.
But I'm just dealing with a lot of stuff at the moment and this was all shit that's been on my mind for almost a week now. I called off work the day after I found out because I really didn't want all this to hit me as hard as it did while driving to or from work and I just all around wasn't really feeling like I'd be able to handle going in in light of what happened.