* If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.

* I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

* I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the piñata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

* I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." And I said, "I am."

* Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

* My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, "That burrito did not agree with me." I was like, 'was the disagreement over whether or not you'd have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.' "I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, 'I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way."

* I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "Happy Birthday" on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote "Jesus" on it.

* 'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!"

* I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flip-flops, you're saying: "Hope I don't get chased today. Be nice to people in sneakers."

* I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like "Huh? What the hell is this?" but if it's in a fruit basket you're like, "This is nice!"

* I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? "Cause I'm like 'Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn."

* I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

* My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

* A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says "Hey, let's never hang out."

* A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "Dude, make a left." "Those are trees. Trust me."

* I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. "Yes, hello I'd like some B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries!" and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. "Yes, I would like de batteries."

* I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

* If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

* Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

* Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball-gown.

* I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'

* I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.'

* I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.

* I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you need anything, I'm Jill". I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

* The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

* It was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word "'Happy'... sarcastic birthday, douche bag."

* I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her; we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, "Does he bite?" She said "No." And I said, "Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?" Liar.

* A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"