I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
When I said 'death' before 'dishonor', I meant alphabetically.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter.
When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you.
Hurricanes are like women : when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest.
A little necrophilia never killed anyone.
Dyslexics Of The World Untie.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.
I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice.
Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Without me, it's just aweso.
He who laughs last probably does not get the joke.
I miss you like a retard misses the point.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
You know you have a small apartment when Coco Pops echo.
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?
If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?
I went to a restaurant that served breakfast at anytime, so i ordered french toast during the renaissance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.
If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?
Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.
Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.
Yo momma's so fat, she walked past the TV and i missed the first season of Lost.
If your name was homework, I would be doing you on my desk right now.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia.
Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts?
When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!
Screw me if I'm wrong, but have we met before?
Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. He said he couldn't. The steaks were too high.
The Vending Machine Theory : "Stuff tastes better when it falls".
The most effective copyright protection known to man : a scratched CD.
A jump-leads walks into a bar, acting aggressively. The barman says "All right, I'll serve you. But don't start anything."
This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!
It appears the location of my fist and your head are not mutually exclusive! It is a probability miracle!
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Coffee just isn't my cup of tea.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.